Nerissa Neri
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Friday, December 24, 2004
The one with the comments...

you know people like talking about life like they've mastered it already? kinda reminds me of reading Catcher in the Rye.. where 'critics' tell stuff bout the movie theyve just seen and criticize it just to give the impression that they understood it.. and how people comment about stuff they barely know.. its kinda like that.. although i too am i victim of that.. i dont like hearing those kinda stuff too.. that "sunnova" (also form the book)..haha too bad i lost my copy before i got to finish it..

but its silly to comment about life and to package it in a way that people would look at it maliciously bad.. and i would be doing the same if i say that that's just not how life is.. see how misleading that looks? as if iv experienced it enough to go on talking about it like we've been friends for so long... no one should conclude. better stop these commentaries.. think of what would Life say bout u if IT had a blog too... *eeep*

Posted at 12/24/2004 3:09:07 am by newi`gurl
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The Space Between... what's wrong and WRITE

The Space Between
-DMB

You cannot quit me so quickly
Is no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love
The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted game we play

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold...

Look at us spinning out in
The madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like a devil
In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don't take this ship down

The Space Between
Where you're smiling high
Is where you'll find me if I get tickled
The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into...
The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
'Cause we're walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need here
The Space Between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time
The Space Between...


my greatest dream in life is to someday write like how DMB songs are written.. so vaguely familiar, capturing, relentlessly relating, and mystically mysterious.. its the mystery that makes it perpetually endearing.. thats just how i would like to write.. and be written..

Posted at 12/24/2004 2:49:08 am by newi`gurl
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night and the city

is it that hard to find good and meaningful conversations nowadays? these days when everyone's just up for sex, be it the actual act or a pitiful immitation of it... is freud right? everything can be summed up to sex and aggression? 

forgive the just-watched-sex-and-the-city thought... teehee

i just cant sleep.. and what better way to fall asleep than to think of things you dont normally think of when ur awake? hmmm sounds intresting... why not pretend to be asleep while still awake? what could that produce... lets see... if im asleep, i would be dreaming right now.. and all those subconscious stuff would come out.. oh no no.. we dont want that.. some of em are just to nasty to handle.. haha lucky me i think people forgot my blog existed already coz i rarely update it. HA.

what are blogs for anyway? its better if nobody knew it existed.. makes u right truthfully than publishing it but restricting yourself from telling the truth of a truth. knowing that the whole world could access products of ur thoughts could, of course, make u think twice on what to say and how to say it and simply that could alter the whole reality of ur situation... tsk tsk

what am i saying...?@$@#%$

ok.. jst to pass time.. id like to share this theory i formulated...

 >>> i once thought that having a bad life is better for people than having a good life.. at least for people who have "rebellious spirits" that is.. i just believe that people are given distinct inert personalities.. and for people who are born rebellious.. or for euphemism's sake, "free-spirited", they're better of with bad lives.. coz then, they have full reason to rebel or to go against. but as for people who are free-spirited and have good lives... their soul cries out for rebellion, they hunger to oppose.. but to what? to whom? when they have such glorious lives everyone's envious about.. and then the sad part is, they get caught up thinking what to go against to.. and they cant find any reason.. anything at all... as opposed to people whose fucked up lives seem to give them reason enough to kill themselves.. their rebellion becomes justified and reasonable.. when the rebellion of the other would spark world war III because life is just too good to him.. but maybe thats it.. life is just too good for him.. is there such a thing? if its too good.. it becomes bad then, doesnt it?

----
reading through people's blogs made me realize how fragile all people are... and how tactless they become by spilling out their whole lives on the INTERNET... i think its a form of carelessly opening urself up to a world where serial killers could be just around the corner.. but thats not the point. the point is, u make the world ur diary.. and you tell aloud the stories of ur life.. the sad ones, happy ones, pathetic, and crazy ones.. you tell everything.. of course its already sifted but still u unhestitatingly blurt it all here.. and i too have this blog thing... what a scary thought..

spongebob: come on squidward. why don't u believe in santa clause? what have u got to lose?
squidward: my self-respect!! my sanity!!

il get back once i find my sanity.

Posted at 12/24/2004 2:30:17 am by newi`gurl
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Thursday, December 16, 2004
untitled

all that goes around are blank notifications of being alive.
 

Posted at 12/16/2004 1:39:36 am by newi`gurl
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Thursday, September 16, 2004
look who's talking

people get really bitter when they shouldn't be. i guess they've been watching too many soap operas and thought that they had less drama happening in their lives than what they see on tv. geeez.. tsk tsk

Posted at 9/16/2004 3:38:06 am by newi`gurl
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Friday, August 13, 2004
oh yeah

after hanging out with a whole buncha hippies, i have concluded that a hippie could only speak an average of 10 english words (per lifetime?). words included to the top ten hippie words/statements list are:

1. aaaayt
2. shit
3. bitch
4. ladies and gentlemen (ok these are 3 words..but they dont come seperately)
5. damn
6. let's give it up
7. fuck/fuckin
8. mah nigga
9. uh-uh ooh yeah
10. lyrics of jologs/non-jologs rap/hippie songs (often mispronounced)

Posted at 8/13/2004 12:10:50 am by newi`gurl
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after hours of thinking and a thousand coffee cups...

"Everyone thinks his unhappiness is unique"

 

I have read that once in a book… once had been enough, though, for realization. I have come to realize this very essential thing that no one admits and yet, it makes the world go round. Everything come in pairs.  Love. Therefore, Despair. And so I will say in a very “unmocking” way (and anyone is free to disagree) that…

 

everyone is unhappy.

 

A very simple explanation for this (and this might be too simple) is that everyone want something he can’t have. He should. Or else “life” or what they call it would have no “meaning”. We all thrive for something we do not yet have. It’s a kind of a masochistic act everyone does… wanting. This could be a cause of hope for those who externally get their hope by fueling their 'selves' with uninhibited challenges they claim are possible. But it’s the impossibility of the challenge that intrigues them really. If these challenges for just too easy to achieve, then achieving it would also mean too little. However, it works two ways. While on the verge of achieving these wants, Despair comes all of a sudden in a moment when everything just becomes too impossible, when the sky just seems really far, when tomorrow looks like just another rainy day, and all you could ask yourself are questions of “what elses.

 

True but tabooed – everyone IS unhappy.

 

It is also this unhappiness that people have need for companionship, for reassurance, for happiness, for blissful moments.. for coffee.. for books.. for rainbows and sunsets. The little prince once said, “one loves the sunset when one is sad” and in one day, he watched 43 sunsets.... I could watch a thousand… I think im obsessed with Unhappiness, since in my case, and in most cases, it appears to be very intriguing. It seems to attack from a backdoor, pairs itself with every molecule of oxygen we inhale, makes its way to our bloodstream and then contaminates our whole body.

 

Pero hindi ko parin maisip, ano ba talaga ang nagpapalungkot sa mga tao? Sa akin? Is it the lack of the things that make us happy? Or we simply just wanna be unhappy? Feeling ko talaga im already obsessed with this feeling. And it really scares me to think that I find it really weird when Im happy. Im afraid to be happy. Cause sooner or later, you would have to pay for that happiness and of course, it’s always with the opposite of what good you got. And I don’t wanna feel that way anymore. That’s why living with unhappiness sometimes can be an advantage, because you would somehow and someday be immune to its effects. What was once an abnormal state of being for you will become as normal as breathing.

 

We are all unhappy….

 

… because we all are living. And since nobody has ever found a meaning to life (other than finding it through your one true love as seen in movies) and since nobody will ever know, we are lost. What good is there in being lost while everyone expects you to act like you know every goddamn answer to every goddamn question in the world and that you REALLY know the difference between good and bad? Grownups become grownups because they become better actors. They memorize the lines for the reactions they would be expected to utter like “you just need time,” “it will all go away,” “been there, done that,” “no, no, you don’t understand.” Bullshit. A kid knows better than them because a kid knows not a single lie. Grownups were once kids… but they seemed to have forgotten that.

 

I am obsessed with Unhappiness.

I am a mistress of Despair.

 

Next time you go on denying things better think twice. Because as long as the world turns, as long as you are alive, when you find yourself alone in a room, whenever you’re stuck in traffic, every time you watch a sad movie, read a romantic book, or simply stare at a sunset, you WILL be alone, you WILL feel lonely, you WILL feel unhappy. Every reason you come up with to justify or to disguise that unhappiness would all be too hypocritical and that would just add to your unhappiness because you will realize that in your years of search for true happiness, the treasure you deem is barely enough to wash off the make up you wear for the daily masquerade you attend.  

 

… and then all you could do is pray to God, hope for a miracle, and then slowly lull yourself to sleep…


Posted at 8/13/2004 12:08:08 am by newi`gurl
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Saturday, June 26, 2004
another day in paradise

ahhh.. after 2 weeks of straight studying.. i finally earned my break.

a night of non-stop dancing...

i was really really desperate coz i got no one to go out with last night...
my roomate has saturday classes so she had to study
i texted a few of my friends but no one wanted to go out...
finally, because of the desperation, i texted my cousin who's in pasay at bout 7pm...
i thought she would say no coz my place was too far and its already night. but when i asked her if she wanted to go out... she eagerly replied: "yes! YES! YES! YES!" . Finally!!! someone to go out with! if she hadnt said yes i might have gone out alone and that would have been oh so dangerous... but she said yes.. and said that she would just pack up a few things (coz she was sleeping over) and then she would be on her way...

at 9:30 she arrived at my dorm... i planned to go at bout 11:30 so we would arrive there in time for the real party.. so we watched a vcd first to buy some time.. and at 11:30pm left the dorm.. for a night of non-stop dancing.

i was wearing a white tube, jeans, and rubber shoes which i dint change (straight from school) coz it was too comfy and i really wanted to dance the night away and wore those instead of wearing heels.

anyway, when we got there, we wer lucky coz there was an event at the place.. it was a back to school party and there were guest djs, laser lights, smoke machines and stuff... a back to school party.. just what i needed... (i was far too pre-occupied with tons of readings and homeworks..)  we went right in after they let me leave my cap coz of the dress code.. awww.. but twas ok.

for the record, i only drank 2 bottles of beer. yaayyy!!! i wanted to have just the right hit of alcohol so i could enjoy dancing. i was with my cousin dancing.. not on the dance floor, coz it was packed with people already... and we have this spot at that place where the aircon and space is perfect for dancing. it was near the bar.. and right below it you could see the dancefloor and all the people goin creaaazzzziiieee.... there was this gay-looking girl who seem to just had her breast implants that she was so excited to show it to everyone.. she was ledge dancing and this guy was dancing behind her.. well anyway, i dont wanna give full details coz it might make my "wholesome" blog an erotic one.. haha

but there i was.. dancing my heart out.. i was dancing by myself and my cousin danced beside me.. but we wernt really dancing together... from time to time she would sit down to rest and coz of the smoke from the smoke machine.. her eyes hurt.. but i kept on dancing.. i think my contacts protected my eyes from the smoke.. hehe

so there.. i was dancing when this guy came up to me and introduced himself... and to not be rude, i introduced myself back.. he started a conversation and we had petty talk.. he said he was sorry coz he keeps on looking "down" he said it was because my "waist" caught his eye.. he asked me what i do to maintain my figure daw.. i said "try dancing once a week".. haha i had my tube folded kasi.. (malandi ako oo na) he said he was sorry for making me conscious daw.. actually hindi ko nga nahalata that he was looking haha. and there.. we dint really danced together coz i was too fond of dancing by myself.. but he was dancing behind me. he asked for my number but i very politely said that i dont give my number out. and he was polite enough to accept that.  i excused myself and told him id check up on my cousin muna.. then i got myself an icedtea (the icedtea there tastes really good) i went back to that place (the place where u could see everyone pati the place where the djs are) and danced and danced and dance.. when suddenly, this guy came from behind me.. he sorta touched my waist..and then whispered "hey i saw you dancing from there and you were really great" . since i dunno the guy, i gave him the creeped-out-weirded-out look, but i said thanks. and then he walked away.. i kept on dancing at that spot.. and after awhile.. i saw him at the place where the djs are... ohmigod! he's the dj!! haha dint recognize him! =) it flatterd me though.. you'll never know when someones looking tlga...

finally, when it was bout 3am, the dancefloor cleared.. i was waiting for that. i then grabbed my cousin and dragged her to the dancefloor coz we had it for ourselves... and whooooooh yeah! i danced like iv never danced for years!!! damn! ang sarap ng feeling! i had my eyes closed and just danced... then the dj guy i told u about came up to us on the dance floor and danced with us.. well atfirst he was just staring and it made me really conscious.. buti nalang he started dancing after he feasted on my body. hahahaha kidding!!! i dint really talk to him, coz im sure we wouldnt be able to understand each other coz the sounds were really loud. so we jst danced a little bit. and then he had to go back to his dj spot again.. and there i was still dancing on the dance floor... it lasted for bout 30 mins until the music stopped coz they hadta close already... went home after that...

dang that was a real good night! im sure gonna be back soon and you better be with me next time!
 

Posted at 6/26/2004 10:39:57 pm by newi`gurl
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Friday, June 25, 2004
interesting article

got this from atenista.net
[http://www.atenista.net/a0604B1.htm]

BUSINESS VERSUS PHILOSOPHY: IS THERE A GOD?

In an interesting twist,
a Wharton MBA defends the existence of God
as a Philosophy Ph.D. challenges it.

(Editor's Note: This is an article we received through forwarded email a while back from an Ateneo Philosophy professor. The Wharton MBA mentioned below is his former student and author of "The Wharton MBA Experience" article, Biboy Calanog.)

Two Penn graduate students ascended onto makeshift podiums in the middle of College Green last Wednesday afternoon and announced that they were going to be debating about the existence of God for the next hour. Drawing a crowd of close to a hundred people, the two graduate students maintained a respectful discussion as sharp reasoning flew back and forth, attempting to establish grounds for faith in God or atheism.

The most interesting twist to this story was that "God's defender" was a Wharton MBA while "God's prosecutor" was a Philosophy Ph.D. Introducing the debaters as Penn students and providing a short background of their involvements around campus was a representative from the Vice Provost for University Life. "Both students are extremely involved in co-curricular activities around campus and will today be defending their personal views about God's existence," the representative said. The crowd chuckled at the irony of the stereotypical Wharton MBA concerned about material wealth and career advancement defending God, and the stereotypical Philosophy Ph.D. sitting under a tree contemplating existence claiming that God did not exist. "It just proves that the diversity around campus will continually surprise you," one undergraduate student said.

The main defense of the Wharton MBA for God's existence is that it is rational for us to believe in God only up to a point, where we will have to make a decision whether life and reality itself makes sense if there were no God. Drawing upon sources as varied as Anselm's Proslogion, Aquinas and works of more contemporary philosopher-writers such as C.S. Lewis, the MBA painted a vision of life where the mind and reason takes us only up to a point: For the MBA, the question of God or no God implied the question of meaning or no meaning. "He took the time to start from the listener's point of view, asking very challenging questions," said one listener, a SEAS student. "He made me think about God's role in my life when he asked if anything would change about my life tomorrow morning if I found out that God did not exist."

The Philosophy Ph.D. on the other hand, argued convincingly that there can be no empirical proof for the existence of God. A self-confessed atheist, the Philosophy Ph.D. did not challenge the MBA's points directly but grounded his 15-minute argument by concluding that he cannot possibly be convinced to believe in something that cannot be proven to exist. "He certainly appealed to a lot of the engineers and scientists in the crowd," one College student said. "We're so busy with the many things we have to do in the real world that it's difficult to spend time trying to rationalize belief in something that cannot be grasped or proven."

During periods of interpellation, the MBA consistently defended the need to look at life as a whole and think about important things that could not be proven empirically. The MBA stressed that "evident things like love, or the belief in human potential and will" could not be proven empirically, but are manifested in reality nonetheless. When the Philosophy Ph.D. elicited nods and cynical laughter against the MBA's arguments by asking how God could be manifested in the many senseless and seemingly irrational things in this world, the MBA responded by pointing to a young couple holding hands and said, "There is your manifest proof and my defense. Love and hope in the middle of your senseless world. Would you take it away from them? If you do, then you break their belief in a God that exists, and a God that cares. If you help them find love and hope in your senseless world, then you manifest the presence of God." Several seconds of silence prevailed before the crowd erupted in applause.

The two graduate students ended the debate cordially as the crowd dispersed. When interviewed by the DP regarding their personal beliefs, the Philosophy Ph.D. said, "I don't think we were disagreeing; we were having a healthy discussion. It's rare to find someone these days who can talk about God and not keep on referring to some sacred text in defense of his or her faith." The Wharton MBA said, "faith is reasonable and yet beyond reason. Our ultimate proof for the existence of God lies in the way we live our lives. When we are kind, happy, helpful to others and successful in our personal lives, we stand as living proof of hope for the future and we help others believe in God. Conversely, every time we hurt people through our thoughtless or deliberate actions, we break down their belief in God."

Perhaps the MBA's six-figure salary on Wall Street will help people believe that there is a God after all.


Posted at 6/25/2004 1:37:53 am by newi`gurl
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Tuesday, June 22, 2004
personality test results + a few drops of rain = me

deo : ever gotten urself emotionally attached..
newi`gurl: hmmm lemme think....
newi`gurl: yeah .. alot of times... i think iv had too many crushes
newi`gurl: hahaha

thats a fragment of a current conversation im having..
yes. i think i have HAD TOO MANY CRUSHES
which which which.. is not a bad thing.. as long as i dont get too EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED.

emotional attachment --> topic of current conversation

Q: is it a bad thing or a good thing?
A: when one is easily attached, (the simplest effect is) one will have lots of friends. easy attachment means a give away of ones trust. which consequently, (because we live in a cruel world and because life is a [boy bitch. it doesnt have to be female. serves u right u chauvinists!] bitch) will mean that that person, sooner or later, will have to undergo an unexplainable painful feeling, which in lay terms is called "hurt" which is undoubtebly inescapable. when we look at it that way, emotional attachment becomesa no-no.

      on the other hand, having the ability of not being emotionally attached at a tweak of a moment means having the upper hand. it means having the power to control yourself at a given situation when you are forced to compromise your beliefs and values to allow others or to allow urself to be "attached".  being attached means sharing a commonality between two (or more) people. it means a lesser or no chance of getting "hurt". yes, its being defensive. but thats the only armor the present day offers... a defense mechanism. in this case, UNemotional attachment would be a better idea. and for me, a better option...

however, if you decide not to ever get emotionally attached, how will something or someone ever get the chance to touch the deepest part of you when even before they approach your shores, you tend to scare them away with your waves? its a bit risky... being attached. and its more complicated than having crushes or calling someone ur bestfriend.

---------
the aforementioned topic came to existence after doing a personality test online. i do this test once in a while. for two reasons: 1. to check if its still accurate and 2. to know and realize things about myself that the conscious mind hides and only the unconscious could courageously admit. it is a personality test that bases its results on colors. (www.colorquiz.com)

after every take of this test, i always end up with gaping eyes and mouth. i cant believe they could get that personal and at the same time that accurate. the results, however distressing or satisfying is a reflection on water. its up to u to trust the results or not. but anyway, here are the results of my most recent test... (please comment if u agree with it or not)


Your Existing Situation

Sensitive; needs esthetic surroundings, or an equally sensitive and
understanding partner with whom to share a warm intimacy.

(AMEN!!! ok, i admit. u fill in the missing puzzle pieces. i just feel like lacking someone whom i could share thoughts with, if not feelings. thats why it has brought me to writing these thoughts. *sad* haha)

Your Stress Sources

Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are
as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. Her control of her
sensual instincts restricts her ability to give herself, but the
resulting isolation leads to the urge to surrender and allow herself to merge
with another. This disturbs her. as such instincts are regarded as
weaknesses to be overcome; she feels that only by continued self-restraint
can she hope to maintain her attitude of individual superiority. Wants
to be loved or admired for herself alone; needs attention, recognition,
and the esteem of others.

(i told u im a control freak when it comes to my self. i cant afford not being in control...)

Your Restrained Characteristics

Circumstances are forcing her to compromise, to restrain her demands
and hopes, and to forgo for the time being some of the things she
wants.
Feels trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking
some way of gaining relief.

(i think everyone goes thru this stage)

Your Desired Objective

Needs a change in her circumstances or in her relationships which will
permit relief from stress. Seeking a solution which will open up new
and better possibilities and allow hopes to be fulfilled.

(my current relationships are stressful?? yeah well.. maybe some...)

Your Actual Problem

The fear that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants
leads her into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of
illusory or meaningless activities.

(meaningless activities = studying [pseudo satisfier; pretends to fill up the empty space])

Your Actual Problem #2

Feels insufficiently valued in her existing situation, and is seeking
different conditions in which she will have greater opportunity of
demonstrating her worth.

(true... explains why i try joining lots of orgs...)

get this, other people's test results (sometimes) only show 1 actual problem. i have 2.

wanna see how accurate that simple test is? try it and see for yourself. i dare you to post the results.
www.colorquiz.com
-----------------------------
rain poured tonight, as usual. but this time, we made sure we wouldnt just let it pass by. we (honey and i) decided we outta have a taste of the rain on our body. and so we did...

went to kenny rogers to have dinner.. while having dinner.. rain came.. and poured.. and went away.. then came again.. then poured again and then went away again...

ooh what a good opportunity to get wet (and wild haha). when the rain poured again, we crammed all our important stuff (phones and money) in a plastic and hurriedly RAN outside to catch and play with the rain. (people inside the resto wer starin coz we wer obviously excited about something) but what the heck.. we ran outside.. like moths to a burning building.

...tip top tip top... drop drop drop... until little by little.. we got soaked... the wind worked with the rain and the feeling was MARVELOUS... kinda like the feeling you have when u dream of flying... we were walking the streets of katipunan... soaking wet.. playing with the rain.. stomping our feet on piled up water on stucked up manholes...

i think rain tastes like butter.

i would risk getting sick just to feel RAIN.

Posted at 6/22/2004 1:36:31 am by newi`gurl
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